Being forced to know how to spell “leukemia” is hurting my heart.

I am a creative person, remembering how to spell words, or use grammer rules escapes me.  Maybe it has nothing to do with creativity and more to do with I don’t care much about concrete details, I care more about emotional climate.  Who knows.  I am feeling confused right now.

Confused over cancer.  Confused over how one day a person’s life is normal and the next day your brothers wife has leukemia.  Our family dealt with a Mom with cancer when my brother and I were 13 & 11.  It took a split second and we were re-grieving these wounds.  The first voicemail from my Dad, following the news: “I know exactly what he’s going through”.  My Mom has been gone for 22 years.

You do what you know.  My Aunt came and took care of my Mom.  She showed me that sibiling put it out there for each other in time of need.  My brother needs me.  His wife needs me.  Their beautiful kids need me.  I am going to stay with them for 19 days.  I am going to be the maid, the Mary Poppins and the super fun “Aunt Kris”.

In putting my life in order, in order to be gone, I have to use the word leukemia.  I have to spell check it every time.  Denial, I don’t want to have to memorize it.  Anger, I don’t want it in my life.  Yet emotional strength is what I need right now.  Right now, I need to tend to what is in front of me.  I believe that people evolve emotionally.  At some point we have to learn what to do with our feelings in order to not hurt others or ourselves.  We learn that anger doesn’t serve us, and it’s best to get to the point of learning.

I am left with lingering wisdom from many crime victims.  When people process through things, they get to a point of resolution or learning how to live with their circumstances.  No matter the type of harm, harm hurts.  Restorative Justice sees crime as harm to people and relationships.  From seeing so many people and helping them get to a restorative set point, which I believe means processing the hurt, I can get their quicker myself.  (Or so I would like to think).  The gifts of my professional work are again, helping me personally.

I have to live with the fact I now need to spell leukemia.  I am just going to have a deep sigh and move on.  None of us can change the past.  We can however, adjust ourselves for the future.