It’s hard to express yourself when you don’t know who you are.
My life is in great transition. I am living alone for the first time in 18 1/2 years. I am a single, work-a-holic. I just glanced at a Wedding invitation and that makes me feel better about connections.
The last few months of my life have not included much blogging. The weakest blog posts in nearly two years of blogging. I would log on, stare at the screen of my downhill statistics. If you don’t blog, people have nothing new to come see. I thought the declining statistics would push my ‘competitive side’, no luck.
See I am trying to do sooo many things different. I should be exercising, eating better, doing MORE at work. Having a healthy committed relationship, keeping the house spotless (I live alone after all). I am having more and more SHOULD’s and less and less experiences and commitments to the core values I selected for myself to live by – Generosity, Spirituality and Connection.
I realize I haven’t let myself have a little ‘grief’ and ‘grief’ is a feeling. I’ve been knotted up inside. Sitting in a chair in my daughter’s room, remembering how I would rock her little baby bundly person and time would fly. As I would start to feel something heavy, I would remember some of the SCVRJP volunteers who lost children. I would stuff my grief, dismissing it because it was not as bad as her’s.
Last night I was up unable to sleep for the second night in a row. Feeling as tense as ever. A set point is back to my days as an in-home family therapist. The tension inside my body is so tight there is nowhere to go. I know when I realize that I feel the way I did back then, I am stressed to the max.
When “stressed to the max” we don’t perform well. At least I don’t. I ended up texting a friend, got a call back and I was on the phone crying. When asked about crying, I said it was my performance review. I’ve been so caught up in who I “am”, worried about this whole new life as a single woman living alone, that I forgot the “truth”. The truth is that I do a really good job for SCVRJP. The truth is I am not just an executive director.
Once again the philosophy I love, restorative justice, to the rescue. I began to think in terms of harms, needs, obligations and engagements. I got side tracked and was mad about programs call themselves restorative justice, but don’t use inclusive, respectful models. (link – of a good effort, but not quite RJ).
This experience is helping me as a practitioner of CHANGE. Healing is a desired benefit of Restorative Justice, I also believe working to promote empathy, increase self-worth and restore connections are other desired outcomes. So as I experience a time of needing to use my inner resources for outer circumstances, I see how to make connections that might help others.
Restorative Justice is based on values. Trust, honesty, love, respect, common values I’ve seen presented in Circle sessions. What are these really? I think they come down to feelings. You sure know when someone doesn’t have them, for how you feel. I love values, I love the concept, I love using them to get to know people. I love focusing restorative justice around them, by using Circle process as the main administration of the Restorative Justice philosophy.
And blog, I’m back. Like a bear I needed a little bit of hibernation to get back in the game.
Thanks readers, I love you!