So to say you are “living” something . . . to me, means fully embraced and alive with it.
Recently watching an independent film, I remember this spoken by the main character . . .
Love is like a mine field. You take one step and can get blown to pieces. Yet, you put your pieces back together and take another step. Because loneliness is more painful than being blown apart.
Hmmm, I thought about that one. What’s been worse for me, is when I am IN a relationship AND experiencing loneliness. It makes me realize that relationships aren’t the automatic immunity they seem to be from loneliness. Maybe loneliness just gets to be one of my feelings. A feeling I prefer to have pass quickly, so I can get on to other ones. Other ones that just feel better.
I definately feel like I have spent more of my life out of a serious relationship than in one. I guess my statistic of being 40 and one marriage 13 years ago, a 6 month marriage at that, speaks to the fact, I might have more singleness than most. Recently I learned it doesn’t mean that I have attachment issues. 🙂 I try to find a balance between allowing myself to focus my singleness and focusing more on my personness. I find who I am as a person, more entertaining than who I am as single.
I see my being SINGLE as so much more than my friends (I think). When I am talking with my married friends, yeah, sure I am aware of it. But they don’t have a big M, like I feel I have a big S. Sometimes I am very aware that I have it GREAT. (I’ll do a different post with my list of great reasons to be single)
My list of single advantages . . . works great for me. And yet, if I was married, I would keep a list of all my marriage advantages. If you thought the opposite of what you are was better – your life would stink because you were viewing it wrong.
So right now at this point in time, I feel like I am embracing being Single more than I ever have. It feels odd, I don’t wish I wasn’t home alone on a Saturday night when I’m home alone. I had to finally realize that if I didn’t want to be home alone on a Saturday night, that meant having to do something about it before Saturday at 3 pm!
Home alone, I just do whatever I want. I read, I blog, I do a yoga dvd, rent a movie, drink a glass of wine.
Then sometimes, I pine away for a lover, a partner, a buddy a Scrabble partner. To be in the space of not wondering IF we are doing something but WHAT are we doing. Knowing that I have someone that would notice if I was abducted by aliens. Someone that notices, my car in the parking lot, as more special than all the cars, cause its mine.
Then again gosh it’s 5:23 on a Saturday night . . . what do I want to do . . .