Category Archives: Kris Miner

December 29, 2011

Domestic Violence. Restorative practitioner responds. Openly.

I was taken back this morning, my favorite blogger posted a shocking photo of a bruise and  disclosed domestic violence.  I was shocked on so many levels. The photo she picked to go with her blog post, the fact a successful career woman would be doubting herself and staying in a violent relationship. The link to her post, I will be referring to “the post” but not providing any other links to it.

I did what we as humans do, I thought about myself.  I’m not gonna lie, the “blame the victim, for not leaving” judgement entered my mind.  It entered because I spent one night in a shelter about 16 years ago.  That was all it took, one instance of being shoved around.  My situation was complicated, I wanted out of the marriage.  I got the heck out and never looked back.  Well I did look back, as I drove away from our home one last time, Bon Jovi was on the radio “you give love a bad name”.  I don’t know why I was able to break away.  I was fortunate with support from my family.

Today, 16 years later I am a Restorative Justice practitioner, and I see a space for Restorative Justice in domestic violence.  It was with my Restorative Justice lenses and my life experience I viewed the blog post today.

The “post” has nearly 300 comments on it.  Reading it was almost like hearing the community voice and response.  You certainly get the victims side by reading the post.  One person commented a suggestion that Penelope quit rewinding her victim tape.  Someone else called the police and reported it.  Several people weighed in on the photo.

The old adage, hurt people, hurt people.  The wounds of our past can haunt us.  Trauma needs to be addressed.  When done carefully, and with much preparation Restorative Justice can help people heal.  I am not advocating for RJ with an actively abusive person.  There are models for child protection and surrogate dialogue.  I believe that when we are given a voice in a safe environment we can change.  Change is healing – change for victims and change for offenders.  Giving things voice, expressing yourself to others, moving past, telling the story.  Identifying what you need to repair the harm.  Do what you need to do to not perpetuate further wrong-doing or harm, to yourself or others.  These are the things when done very carefully and with experienced professionals – that Restorative Justice can bring to domestic violence.

I am so thankful for the local efforts to prevent domestic violence.  I am thankful for the experience and time I spent as a volunteer advocate in a shelter.  I am thankful that a shelter was available for me to spend one night in, 16 years ago.  This morning, reading the blog post of someone I admire, who is staying in an abusive relationship, hurt my heart.  My hope here, in sharing this blog post, is that some awareness around the urgency of the issue of domestic violence will be noted.  My second hope is for people to recognize that trauma needs to be addressed, no one can stop you from healing.  Restorative Justice is one of many avenues to help people heal from the hurts of life.

National Hotline:  http://www.thehotline.org/

WI: http://www.wcadv.org/

River Falls: http://www.turningpoint-wi.org/

 

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December 12, 2011

In Life and in Restorative Justice, shame is a gift; feeling and friendship lead to healing.

A good night’s rest really helps me out.  I’ve got one of those monkey minds.  A “monkey mind” is a Buddist term, rather than staying in the present moment, my thoughts leap from one to another as a monkey leaps from tree to tree.  When I first wake up, I get a moment before the monkey jumping begins!  This morning, things merged and I realized the gift of shame.  Three things merged for me, concepts of shame, a book of stories and a lesson in friend-ing.

From Brene Brown, I learned shame, is the fear of disconnection.  I also learned that the less you talk about it the more you have it.  I love Brene Brown,  here is her TED TALK, “The power of vulernability”, I highly recommend viewing it.  I wrote a blog post and shared her work, earlier this year.

In that context and understanding of shame, I am reading “Wounded Warriors A Time For Healing” by Doyle Arbogast.   From the back cover:

14 personal stories of Native Americans whose pathway to healing has been found
within the beauty and spirituality of their own cultural heritage.  Their lives today reflect responsibility, honor,
and dignity.

I experience life deeply and I have to read these stories
slowly.  The trauma related is real, severe and very directly related to the reader. I get overwhelmed with emotion when the story gets to the ‘watershed
moment’, the decision to pursue healing, sobriety and the embracing of cultural values and spiritual practice.  I believe those individual decisions, those moments of change are miracles.

Similar to the miracles that can happen in Restorative Justice, a moment of deciding that healing is the path.  I blog about this further in the post: The will to live is the will to heal.  We marvel at the miracle a caterpillar makes to a butterfly and we as humans can make those transformations at any time! (Took that from a recent Facebook update).

The third thing that helped me realize that shame is a gift, was a gift in itself.  I’ve been told about a Native American tradition, belief or practice, not exactly sure what you would call it, it is connected to the book above.  Our basic responses, fight, flight, freeze, you read about those responses all the time.  There is a fourth, to friend.  To friend that thing, to reach out your hand, to shake hands, to get to know it, to find out as much as you can, to treat it kindly.  This concept made sense and resonates with me.  The individuals in the stories shared in Wounded Warriors, have gone on to help others as counselors, mentors, educators.   The sharing of their stories, was part of their healing process.  They experienced the feelings to get to healing.   I believe the friend-ing process was part of the feeling.


The gift of shame, is that it points us to what we need to friend.  The gift of shame is that it lets us know
where our disconnection is felt.  Shame lets us know where our healing can be found.

This is a personal and professional intersection.  As Restorative Justice practitioners we can help others and help ourselves with this knowledge.  To help ourselves and others, we need to become comfortable with shame, our own and others. Restorative Justice is about healing.  Healing is fascinating, simple and complex.  Healing is individual and universal.

This monkey just sat on a branch with shame, and neither of us left the same.

 

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December 11, 2011

Trained teachers offer what Restorative Justice Circles “bridge”.

  I appreciate Sharon Bowman, she has a resource-filled website, great articles and books.  If you follow her on LinkedIn, great powerpoints shared.  Friend and mentor, pictured here, helped me learn how to work and train teachers.  In turn I teach all I can about Circles to her.  She recommended Sharon’s book, the 10 minute trainer.  The activity produced some great results, both in the flow of the training and the reinforcement of Restorative Justice Circles in schools.

I appreciated the side effects of using activities and exercises when training.  The audience is more engaged, the individual perspectives and understanding of the information is reflected by the activities.  The unpredictable-ness feeds my spontaneous style.  I can add a story, or go with explaining concept and it appears in response to the room conversation (vs my deviation from a planned agenda or powerpoint).

This post is a summary of what a group of teacher trainee’s developed in response to the exercise of completing the sentance: Circles are a bridge between ___(blank)___ & ___(blank)___.  Before this exercise, the training group had experienced a circle, heard an introduction on restorative justice and covered the basic facilitation skill-set.  Just a shameless plug – I am happy to provide a training for your district or agency, click here.

Circles are a bridge between . . .

Hurting & Healing

Having a Voice & Being Invisible

Hostility & Harmony

In Individual Heart & Community

A Problem & A Solution

Your Frown & Your Smile

Challenges & Solutions

Fears & Security

Chaos & Harmony

Conflict & Harmony

Conflict & Reconciliation

Whitewater Rapids & Reflection Pool

Peace & Chaos

School & Stewardship (& back, like a Circle)

I have to give this group an A+!

Consider this list an endorsement for the potential Restorative Services outcomes.  How would this list impact your school culture and climate?

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December 9, 2011

Women, love, storytelling and healing.

Four generations of women in one small hospital room.  I took a mental picture, and appreciated the beauty and gift; the four of us in this moment.  We had even mentioned it to the nurse.   As soon as the nurse left, the humor, so prevalent in our family set it.  My daughter was warned by her grandmother, “don’t make it 5 anytime soon”!  We enjoyed the laughter and I felt the Circle of life.

Daughter and I came as quickly as we could, hearing the news Great-grandma was sick.  When I heard my Mom call, and she was crying, I knew it was time to come and be part of whatever was ahead of us, as a family.

Thankfully, as it stands now, Great-grandma is much better.  She is someone I’ve known my entire life.  She was born and raised in the same rural area, farm friends, as a crow flies, the next ranch over.  My Mother (who died when I was 20) was friends with Great-grandma before she was technically my Grandma by marriage.  My Dad, remarried and after 23 years of being step-Mom, I call her Mom.  I’ve found a way to balance a loyalty to my Mother who adopted and raised me, while also allowing the love and space that stepMom has shown me, to be Mom as well.  As a restorative justice practitioner, I work on aspects of my life that allow more love and healing for those around me.

Great-grandma loves me as grand-daughter and my daughter as a great-grand-daughter.  When my daughter showed up with purple hair (long story) Great-grandma simply said “well, that’s the style now”.  We appreciated her loving response.  When I saw the purple hair I said “where can we go to fix that”.

I believe the Mother-Daughter relationship can be the most meaningful and the most complex.  I want to recommend a book Mother, Heal My Self, by JoEllen Koerner.  The book is subtitled An Intergenerational Healing Journey Between To Worlds.  The book is recommended for nursing administrators, and further details link here, for the author, here.  I loved this book, I read it two days.  In the introduction the author quotes Barry Lopez:

. . . “sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive.  That’s why we put these stories in each other’s memory.”

The story of Mother Heal Myself, is that type of story-gift.  I loved it, and felt the messages so deeply when I read it.  I thought about the book “the story” a lot,  the last few days.  I was spending time in the community where the book took place.  I was extremely aware that our family may have to cope with the loss of someone.  I was remembering that our loss would be her entry into Spirit world, and death brings a close examination of your beliefs.  I have a blog post, encouraging Restorative Justice practitioners to closely examine these beliefs before practicing cases that involve a death.

I carry the story of this book with me, I carry the stories of our relationships – Mother-Daughter: Eleanor and Alice, Mother-Daughter: Alice and Kris, Mother-Daughter: Kris and Kylie.  Like women everyone, none of these 4 are perfect, and we have loved our best and at times fallen short.  We’ve had to say I’m sorry, we’ve gotten opportunities to say I love you.  We said I love you a lot the last few days.

When family is there for each other it creates grace.  I love the word grace, and it means a way of being more than the situation calls for.  I believe it is “restorative-grace” when victims offer forgiveness, or give, in traumatic situations.  When you do more than needed or expected that is showing up and living the value of grace.  Giving with an unconditional and good heart is healing.  Women have an incredible capacity to heal.  Stories help us.  I hope the story of this blog post reminds you of your relationships, the love you share with family and the actions you take to create stories and healing.

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November 21, 2011

Remembering what is important, science vs storytelling OR consilience.

I recently forgot what was important.  Values are important to me.  I take advisement from research (or as Capella would have it, I am a critical thinker).  I try to live my life in balance, in positive relationships.  I get lessons once in awhile.  The lesson today – science and storytelling.

Here is a post about a book Deep Brain Learning, where I learned the term Consilience.

Most nonprofit work and especially Restorative Justice depends on the social value created.  We know the fabric of community changes when we do things that promote the good of people.

Check out this great story on a celebration in Yellow Medicine County.  The story, explains the program beyond dollars and numbers.

In my reading for school, Integrating Mission and Strategy for Nonprofit Organizations, social value was defined as things that are: spiritual, moral, societal, aethetic, intellectual and enviornmental.  Nonprofits promote mission for the social value created.  The author adds that social value TRANSCENDS economic value.  Our mission statements are the fuel providing psychological energy (Phills, 2005).  You can’t measure that kind of energy and for each person it can change over time.  My relationships to those social values has gotten deeper with more and more Restorative Justice expereinces.  I have gotten to know, to really know how these things work.  Stats are great, the power of the story is even better.

So I know this.  In my head and in my heart.  There is science (outcomes, stats, concrete things) and there is story (values, feelings, knowing).   This knowing doesn’t prevent me from being overly attached to a number.  The number is just over 115,000.  That’s the number of site visits to my blog, Circlespace.  I have recently moved from a long web address that includes wordpress, to a nice short web address of www.circle-space.org.

Right now, the site stats have not transfered.  Last I checked, only 232 site visits on the new site.  I am not taking this well.  I found myself urgently explaining to my web contractor how I want to be blogging for Time and Newsweek and 200,000 is so much better than 200.  I caught myself, because I felt anxiety as I was telling her this.  I never started this blog to be blogging for Time or Newsweek.  I started this blog to help people with Restorative Justice, especially Circles.  I recognized my anxiety as a drift from my priorities.

The wonderful calm, technology person, pointed out my content transfered.  I realized things could be worse.  All 607 posts are available at www.circle-space.org.  We are working on the subscriptions moving and potentially the statistic rank.  My lesson, for me, the one I am sharing here, is to remember there are many influences.  We need to remember our original intentions, not to get caught up in a number.

Consilience – the merging of knowings.  Using research, practice and values, overlap those Circles, and in the middle is truth.

The truth is, I get to think outloud emotionally and intelectually with the blog.  One of my favorite bloggers, Penelope Trunk, pointed this out in a recent blog bootcamp.  The ranking being 1 million or 10 doesn’t matter, if the benefit is my sense of helping, my social value OR the social value for one person, then this blog has purpose.  The story of this blog, as I have experienced it, is that it helps.  The story of this blog, is that it gets shared. I’ve been told it does provide value.

I value social value.  I found myself getting an attachment to a numeric value.  Blogging is a great way to clarify your values, I just literally told everyone about my journey.  I took a trip, I tripped up what I know, I attached to something different a number vs a value.

I’m telling you, to help you remember consilience – the merging of your knowing.  Find your truth in the center of research, practice and values.

 

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November 18, 2011

Similiar leadership tools, nonprofit management and Restorative Justice.

I’m working on a PhD in Nonprofit Administration, Capella University.  Taking a course on Nonprofit Leadership. I am starting year 7 as a nonprofit Executive Director, and learning a great deal from my coursework.

As you know, I see things through the lens of my passion for Restorative Justice.  So I’m sharing with you some of the leadership tools and areas I see organizational leadership, especially in the nonprofit sector, mimic Restorative Justice.

Defining vs Thinking about.  Leadership, like Restorative Justice can have many definitions.  Authors in the course text encourage mega-theory or approaching leadership as how you THINK about it.  This reminded me that you can have many different definitions of Restorative Justice.  Three Pillars, 5 “R’s”, there are various definitions, but the overarching “thinking” about Restorative Justice is key.  It is a philosophical approach  – - and the link to leadership is that both require skills at taking a framework and applying it to a concrete situation.*

Recently asked about my agency resource, my response “the power of the human spirit”.  A look of confusion on the interviewers face and I explained, with concrete situations, how and why that is.  Restorative Justice uses storytelling, SCVRJP volunteer storytellers are coached and supported in Restorative-Storytelling.  I explained how people are impacted by hearing stories directly.  It takes the human spirit to heal.  It takes human spirit to move ahead to be a better and different person.  The lessons of the heart are the ones that shape who we are.

I have always promoted that as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is healing.  No one definition, no one process for grief.  I was watching PBS on Tuesday, Elusive Justice.  The narration began to explain that there are as many definitions of justice, as there are crime victims.  That spoke to me about the individual experience of being a victim.  “No one definition”, is a way of thinking about victims, survivors, individuals.

I’ve experienced Restorative Justice to work best, when I give a person complete room and freedom, a blank slate to express and have experiences of loss, grief and healing.  Being non-judgmental in the presence of another allows them expression and someone bearing witness to validate their experience.

Leadership as non-judgmental as Restorative Justice.  From the article “The Termite Theory of Leadership”, quoting Margaret Wheatley:

All life resists being bossed around.

The article goes on to share more Wheatly-ism, in that as managers (and I believe in Restorative Justice), we need to remember “life’s great imperatives”.  These imperative, which I would also call “Universal Truths” include:

  • being free to recreate OR preserve ourselves
  • form relationships
  • invent new ways of doing things
  • be unique
  • find meaning in what we do

Wheatly explains that imposing structure results in resistance.  I share these examples as a demonstration that Restorative Justice requires us to work within an oxymoron: free-form.  The freedom that people have individual experiences – the framework & form of theory.

I learned leadership takes courage & responsibility*.  Restorative Justice takes both courage & responsibility.  It takes courage to do a practice that is counter-intuitive to most.  It takes courage to bear witness to crime, trauma, grief & loss.  It takes courage to lead a nonprofit and not know where your salary will come from!  It takes courage to lead, it takes courage to heal.  (well others heal themselves you provide the form).

The responsibility is to have your mission enacted, not just espoused.  Phillis* points out that without leadership missions are intended but not realized.  I do all I can to consistently reflect the SCVRJP mission of peace & belonging. I frequently fall short of my “ideal self”, but I take on the responsibility as a leader to do this.  Restorative Justice work also requires a responsibility (so many that’s a different post).

The last noted similarity is taking intentions & aspirations to choices & actions*.  To enact your mission (restorative justice or other) it takes the execution of policies, activities and allocating your resources wisely.  I believe in parallel process, comparing things side by side, being congruent in who you are and what your values are.  Consider your Restorative Justice work, are you aligned?  Are your outcomes (intentions & aspirations) reflected in your decisions & behavior (choices & actions)?

 

*Phills, James A.. Integrating Mission and Strategy for Nonprofit Organizations.

Cary, NC, USA: Oxford University Press, 2005.

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November 10, 2011

Restorative “thinking”, sticks and pairs, ideas from Kris Miner.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and this post is to offer some insight to how I think.  I try to think restoratively – to BE more than just do Restorative Justice.  Maybe insight into my brain will be insight into yours.  We are cool like that as humans, we get to think about, how we think.

When I am making decisions or offering decisions to be made by others (for example my board).  I use a ”pair and a spare”.  I got this from some dating advice book.  Date 3 guys at once, yeah right, so I moved it a way to think about decisions.  The “pair and a spare” helps because it forces grey.  Two paths, can mean right or wrong, black or white.  Pair and spare, oh the options.  We are happier when we think we have options.  With three choices, you are empowered after eliminating one.  You’ve made progress.  You can also look over why you immediately crossed off one of the choices and find what your real priority or decision making motivation is.  Try it, let me know.

“Stick” thinking.  Always wonder, what is at the other end of that stick?  Here is a great example of stick thinking – or seeing things on a continuum.  The blog, Why Your Passion for Work Could Ruin Your Career, offers we can be dualistic between harmonious and obsessive.  I recognized my obsessive; when I used to get upset, even angry at others for not engaging or embracing RJ at my same level (or even half) ok, full disclosure I can sometimes still be obsessive.  Right now I am feeling pretty good about Kris Miner.

I’m is the “Oasis” season of love.  Brain expert Daniel Amen calls it the Oasis Effect (from his book The Brain In Love).  Amen describes that we come out of the desert of being alone and longing to be in a relationship (since we are wired to be intimately connected to others) and being love releases hormones that actually increase our sense of trust, where we should be more cautious.  Amen describes an anxious state of euphoria (for finding a relationships that helps us feel more complete) that we fail to see trouble.  He writes about getting water from an oasis with dead animals around and failing to see the animals.  This book really helped me understand the brain and bio-chemistry of love. I know in the past I have been victim to the Oasis Effect, so now I am calling it a “season”, a phase.  Enjoying, with caution or knowledge that this flood of good feelings will eventually level out.

New love, leads to new awareness.  Here’s a line from my life, ”Don’t put THAT in the blog”.  I guess I talk about the blog enough, that those new in my life have to set boundaries with me.  I also ask alot, “can I blog on that?”.  I get permission around comments or conversation I might be able to draw a blog post from.  I bet one of every 3 asks, eventually makes it to a blog post.  Right now I have 49 blog drafts started.  I start one when I capture a good link or idea.  If the tone of my post seems negative, I leave it started, come back later, time changes perspective.  I got a great suggestion once, to blog with a voice that could be heard in Circle (with the person in the Circle).  This was a great addition to the way I think, about blogging.

Being a blogger has and continues to help me.  As I posted here, new blogs are on the Restorative Justice landscape.  Just a year ago, Restorative Justice blog readers didn’t have as many choices.  With more options for readers, I’m thinking about my particular niche in the RJ blogging world.   I’ve grown into being a blogger and finding my niche as a practitioner offering insight, I also share my lifes intersection of personal and professional. This allows me freedom to share the way I think, in thinking it might help you.  Thinking on that . . . harmony or obsession?

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October 26, 2011

Fear, nervous energy, anxiety all acceptable before Circle-keeping.

I have a reverance for the Circle process.  Specifically, the Restorative Justice Circle process as I learned it, from Kay Pranis, Linda Wolf, Jamie Williams, Oscar Reed, and many, many, many people who have joined me in Circles over the past 6 years.  By reverance, I mean a deep respect and knowledge that the concept of Circle (intentionally capatilized) is in our DNA.  To provide equal respect, for me, is a way to honor the divine in all of us.  So if you are about to embark on your journey as a Circle-keeper, if you are new to using this technology, then fear, nervous energy and anxiety might all be part of it, and I find that a good thing.

In Kay’s book Peacemaking Circles, she shares the importance of preparing by centering.  I used this guidance,  I was anxious when I started, I would have notes about the questions I prepared, words listed as tips for me to say about opening a Circle.  I feel now, that a focused inhale can prepare me.  Well, I also exhale!  I was talking to someone today, it was an interview that was a good conversation.  I kept wanting to offer, what I wish I might have heard before keeping my first Circle.  I offered support for those feelings of anxiety or fear.  Maybe just nervous energy.  I think these things are good, when we care about doing well we can get nervous not wanting to do harm or to complicate matters.

Circlekeeping shouldn’t feel like the same old, same old kind of faciliatation.  Circlekeeping is keeping the form and funtion of Circle above individual agenda’s – keeper or attendee.  The form and function of Circle is to be grounded in Restorative Justice and specifically the value of respect.  I think it starts with the respect to the process of Circle.

Classroom Circle UWRF

I wish you well as you try this.  I encourage training, training and reading.  Then find a mentor to discuss your plans with.  Engage yourself in learning about, doing and developing your Circlekeeping skills.

I appreciate this model, that takes us from being interested to being.  As it will go with Circle keeping – eventually you will just BE, a keeper!

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October 11, 2011

Be Authentic, it builds relationships and we need relationships.

Every morning at 5 am, I get a  Note to Inspire.

A recent message

You are authentic when everything you say and everything you do you ACTUALLY believe.

I have Simon’s book, Start with Why, I just haven’t got to reading it yet.  The quote today reminded me about going at this Restorative Justice stuff with enthusiasm.  I don’t share anything about it that, I don’t believe.  I am passionate about my first hand experiences.  I share openly about these and I’ve been told I have passion.  It was a gift that people told me this, because, I made a point of remembering that and using that energy again.  So thank you for telling me!

I saw myself quoted in Melinda’s article on Shareable: How to Share in a Dialogue Despite Differences.  I first saw it on Facebook, and knew it would be coming out.  Melinda and I go back a year or so.  We connected over her book, Consequential Strangers.  Which is a great read, and really brings awareness to how people connect.

It was my relationship with Melinda, that evolved into being part of her story.  It was her relationship with me, that helps me with grammar and punctuation.  She authentically shared with me, and it connected us.  We need relationships to evolve, to learn to grow.

I love Maslow’s needs, and I’ve posted a few times regarding the connection to the middle tier – Love and Belonging.  Here is a link with further details.  I was digging around on Maslow, because I was recently told that he used to participate in Native American ceremonies in South Dakota.  I learned that if you extend the lines of his pyramid up, it is actually part of 4 quadrants.  The pyramid is one piece of a symbol, the Lakota way of having “self-actualization” is the center, the first place to go is inside to your self.

Back to the Maslow pyramid, the bottom two deal with self, the next is others.  I see this as a place to get to authentic.

People are wounded when they aren’t provided those two bottom needs.  The history of this can, and often times is carried up to the next tier with others.  Relationships can suffer when we bring our histories.  It’s good to learn from things, to heal, to resolve, to be authentic about your experiences.  To be defensive, unaware, to harm before being harmed, brings issues to our relationships.

We are hard-wired to connect with each other.  I use a quote when I teach Restorative Justice “In relationships we are broken, in relationships we are healed”.  The crack in our heart is where the light is let in.

Be authentic.  Find what that means to you.  For me, it means being real and honest.  It means having the courage to tell the truth, and to believe, really believe what you tell others.  I bet you will find, like I did, it brings relationships and we need relationships.

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October 9, 2011

Eye for an eye.5?

I’ve been embracing my singleness, I am attending things solo and being aware of the benefits.  Going solo forces you to strike up conversations with those around you.  Attending with someone, and your conversation stays within your group.  I’ve been hearing and seeing this quote:

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

At a domestic violence awareness/prevetnion event, I chatted with another person attending.  When I told her what I did, (work with victims and offenders to bring them together to repair harm) she looked so shocked, she gave me a scoff, and asked, “THAT must be hard! Do you keep a wall between them?”.  I was caught a little off guard at such a strong response.  I offered that we prepare people ahead of time.  She told me that would not work for her.  She shared she was more of an “eye for . . . an eye and a half” type.  I laughed at “eye for an eye and a half”.  Then I told her I write a blog, and asked for her permission to use that.  I thought it interesting where we met, and this perspective, I tried to figure out that context.

The event included a walk, I had two choices.  Listen to the conversations around me, or spend some time just thinking.  I did a bit of both.  I thought about how open and honest it was say, I’d take another half of an eye.  I thought about another recent conversation, where I was saying I would take a case despite the offender saying he didn’t do it.  I know the power of Circle, I know the acknowledgements I get, when I remind people this is not a place where whatever you say will be held against you.  I wanted a chance to sit down 1:1 with the offender.  The person I was speaking with was talking to me, it appeared, only to be able to say “she said no”.  I was not saying no.  I thought about these two conversations.

I wondered, about the other end of the stick?  If one end is “eye for an eye and a half” am I so far down the other end?  Am I, “thank you for taking my eye, I learned I didn’t need it”.  I think that is as absurd as thinking you get another half of an eye!

Context changes so much.  My daughter was recently the victim of a crime.  Her purse was picked up and the person ran away.  My kid went after her, she stopped a car in the parking lot, asked the 3 individuals “did you steal my purse?”  She asked to use a phone, she was going to call her number and see if rang in the car.  The three in the car all made excuses and no call was made.  They went on to use my daughters debit card, she lost her phone, her favorite wallet and purse.  In our very first conversation about this my kid firmly said, “Mom, I WANT to do a Restorative Justice Circle!”.  Later when she found out they lied to her face, and used her debit card, I asked again about Restorative Justice.  She still said yes.  She wants to offer help, so the offender doesn’t have to steal anymore, she thought in the form of a college application or job resume.

Now, I have to sit back and hope the system does what it does, that they follow-up and somewhere in the process of justice, my kid gets Restorative Justice.  I’m concerned about how the formal justice system is going to respond.  My daughter is ready to tell her story as a surrogate victim, I offered her what I could.  It hurts me to see her hurt by this.  I’ve given her some TLC to help.  It’s already brought us closer, but I’m not ready to thank anybody for this lesson.

I don’t know, eye for an eye, eye for an eye and a half, or thank you for removing my eye.  Life happens and each belief we have gets tested in different contexts.

Life happens at the end of your comfort zone.

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Filed under Counter-point, Full Circle Experiences, Kris Miner, offenders, personal growth, Victims